Independence and strength are great qualities to have, but frankly, I am tired of being the rock.
Throughout my life, I quickly learned that if something needed to be done, I needed to make it happen. No one was going to cater to my needs, wishes or desires. No one was going to stop working on their list of to-dos to work on mine. No, if I wanted it, I had to work for it.
I learned to take care of myself. I learned to take care of others. I learned to take care of things. Trust me, it is not that I want to make all the decisions. I could care less who is in charge. I don’t crave power. Nor do I crave perfection. What I do crave on the other hand though, is shit happening.
When you are the wife of a soldier, the demands of life don’t wait for your husband to come home. No. Things break, bills come and children get hurt. So you get up and take action or you sit and watch everything crumble around you.
When you’re divorced and on your own, life’s demands don’t stop either. There is no one for you to rely on anymore. Sure, you may have older kids, friends or family who can help here or there, but for the most part, it is you making things happen, or allowing things to not happen. It is sink or swim.
When you are a soldier yourself, you can lead or you can follow. Either way, you still have to get results. The only difference is that you are following your ideas or someone else’s. Ultimately though, unless you are THE top dog, you are pretty much always following someone else’s direction. So regardless of where the direction came from, you have to be a rock. You have to be strong. You have to accomplish tasks. (Or should be if you are a good soldier.) Over the years, my mantra has become, make a decision, or get out of the way. I don’t care if it’s the best decision or not a 100 percent plan, but pick something and start working on that plan. To me, some movement is better than standing stagnate with indecision, which drives me crazy.
Combine all of these facets of my life and here I am, a rock. I get things done. I help others. I weigh my options and make decisions. I may not always make the right decisions. Hell, some choices have really sucked. But, you know what? They were mine and I made them, and sometimes even with a little thought. Other times…I probably should have thought a little longer. Such is life though. We learn from our mistakes.
Now, you would think being a rock is a good thing, appreciated. Not always. Sometimes it is just tiring. I don’t want to make all the decisions. I don’t need to feel the power of control. I don’t want to have to consider every option. No, sometimes it would just be nice to show up and follow the crowd. To be surprised by someone taking a task off my list. To be comforted and taken care of. Yeah, I could live with that sometimes.
However much I would like to be taken care of though, I will never ask. Unfortunately, history has shown me countless times that asking for help reduces the odds of getting results. Most times, the only result in asking for help was the loss of time and the frustration of empty promises. Therefore, I just keep rolling like a good rock does. If someone offers help, I will take it with a smile, but rarely, will I ask.
Apparently dating a rock is no fun either. Now that I a single, I have had men tell me that I am too independent, too busy. Hhhhmmmm. I have to think on that one. I have no choice but to be independent. Who is going to pay the bills? Mow the lawn? Plan a trip? And when you have two jobs, kids, hobbies and no one else to worry about, you may as well be busy and passionate about your life. Am I supposed to sit around and wait for some prince to find me? No. I think not. If he is truly my price, we will find each other while we are out living and enjoying life. And this prince will appreciate my strength and know, I will gladly let him be my rock and I his princess. But until someone hands me my tiara, you will find this princess on the move and making decisions.