Blooming out of Decay


Should haves, could haves and meant to dos

Leave you with regrets and feeling blue.

If you look too long at the past gone by,

You will sit and wonder, and perhaps even cry.

 

Your past is just that. It has passed you and gone.

You can spend your present wondering, what went wrong?

But you can’t change what you cannot undo.

And if you could… would you still be you?

 

For you are built from your bad, as well as your good.

The lessons you learned were well understood.

You formed yourself through the dark and the gloom.

And through all that, you’ve become, a beautiful bloom.

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For Sally D’s Mobile Photography Challenge ~ Macro.

I decided to go with the macro mushroom shot a couple of days ago. However, I stared at the pictures, not knowing what to write. Today, within 5 minutes, this poem came out so I went with it.

For me, it speaks on how so many of us feel trapped in our past, our pain and our history. It’s hard to move out of that, but you can. That’s the great thing. We can rediscover and reshape ourselves a little each day. And like the mushrooms growing on the rotting tree in the forest, we can have purpose and beauty. I hope that whoever needs to hear this today does. I feel like it poured out of me for a reason…perhaps I needed to hear it myself.

and, since it fits…

For the theme of the Daily Post’s Challenge ~ Survival.

 

 

Running With Love


It has taken me most of my life to learn this lesson sadly. Countless times I thought if I just did this or that, someone would like me. If I could just be more…they would love me. I could never do enough though, and I always felt it was my defect that caused it.

With age and wisdom, I have realized, it wasn’t always my fault when a relationship didn’t blossom, whether intimate or friend. Sometimes, it just didn’t work. Plain and simple. They didn’t do anything and I didn’t do anything. It just didn’t click. Or, sometimes, I just tried too hard to please. I gave too much, too fast and the person surely got overwhelmed.

That’s the thing though. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I either like you or don’t. I am your friend or not. I never thought I was wasting my time on people. I was giving them my all. I wanted to be their friend. I desired to be their girlfriend. If I felt a connection, I ran with it. The problem, in hind sight, was that they were not running in the same direction or speed. It was those moments when I looked around and found myself alone and hurt-wondering what I did.

Years and tears later, my more confident self is assured, it has all worked out for the best. I have had experiences that have made me smile deep into my heart and others that have made me cry out my soul. It is the roller coaster of life and I am happy to ride it. I just refuse to ride it with anyone not going in the same direction anymore.

“You cannot convince people to love you.

This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love

because you want him or her to give it.

Real love moves freely in both directions.

Don’t waste your time on anything else.”

~ Cheryl Strayed~

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Frogs and Turtles Teach us Life and Love


Many little girls grew up hearing the fairytale where the frog turns into a prince. From a young age, we are taught to believe in that magic. But as we grow up, real life starts and our fairytale dreams start to fade. We get our hearts broken so bad we think, we can never love again. We take it so personal we think, there is something defective with us. So we start to hide and shield ourselves from the risk.

Hiding does protect us, but it is cold and damp in that shell. People are made to connect. God designed us to love. Love does not come easy though. I learned that over the years while I searched for my prince. Just like Laura Prepon said, I was like every other girl. “Every girl on TV, in real life, sure you want to meet that soul mate and fall in love and have the big thing, but until that happens, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs.”

Kiss frogs I did. Maybe even a few toads. However, I thought they were cute and adorable. I believed they could be a prince. I saw their potential. So, I tried. I took risks. And according to James Bryant Conant, that is just what we should do-act like turtles. “Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.”


Unfortunately though, it didn’t work. I tried and tried. Yet, each time I failed. And with each time, I found fault in myself. My confidence sunk. I retreated into my shell. Sure some of my suitors were jerks. No amount of kisses by any girl would ever turn them into a prince. However, some I genuinely think were great guys. I was just not the right girl with the right kiss for them. So a frog they remained. What I discovered though, was I was a frog myself. I sat and waited for love to find me. I watched the world around me and thought, where is my prince? Eventually, I learned my prince could not be found until I found myself. How could I expect anyone to love me, when I could not love myself?

So I worked on me. I found happiness in myself. I realized I was OK. No, I was not perfect, and never will be for that matter. But each day is a new chance to be good, so be happy, to spread joy. Each day I have a chance to live and make a difference. Once I found myself, my world started to change. I walked with more pride, smiled with true happiness and lived with a passion. I was blooming into who I should be like Bill Copeland said. “Try to be like the turtle – at ease in your own shell.”  And once I was, I could stick my neck out to try again. The difference now though, is that I no longer settle for toads. Nope. This little frog girl jumped out of that pond to get another view. Once I thought more of myself, I could expect more from the world like Mao Tse-Tung explained.  “We think too small, like the frog at the bottom of the well. He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well. If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view.”

I am out of the well now. And let me tell you, the view is spectacular…and my prince is even more than I ever dreamed of.

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For Sally D’s Mobile Photography Challenge ~ Nature.

 

Memories of Ponies, Superpowers


When I was a girl, I wanted a pony, thought I was a writer and believed I had telekinesis. As an adult, my reality is really not that far off my childhood fantasies.

I don’t own a pony exactly, but I do have a short stocky horse that I call my pretty little pony. Honestly, as I child I thought a pony was really just a baby horse. It made perfect sense to me then. Apparently, that is not the correct technical meaning though. Huh. Good to know. Regardless, I will still call my old, 14-hand, sorrel quarter horse mare, my pony.

Since I didn’t own a horse back then, I would use my dreams of ponies to inspire some of my writing. I would write stories and poems about horses. My story horses were majestic beasts. They had a connection to their owner, who was always someone who resembled myself or someone I wanted to be. These horses were smart, helping their owner accomplish noble deeds. They carried themselves with such grace. Some, even flew. I wrote about other things of course, but horses were my go-to animal. I connected with horses…and I feel like I still do.

In one stories, my flying horse helped a brilliant, confident girl who had telekinesis. She would move things around for the good of other people. Sure she would make mind movements for the sake of laughter or ease. She was a kid after all. However, she never used this power to hurt people.

I think about this young girl with super powers and I realize, I am still her basically. No, I don’t really have telekinesis. (So there is no need to notify the government for them to come test me and try to harvest my powers. In reality, they are already using my skills for that matter anyway since I am a government employee and Army Reserve Soldier.) I do have the ability move things without physical force though. I can move things with my example, my words, my silence. It is not necessarily the form of telekinesis that I dreamt of, but I suppose it draws less concern among the public (and less medical probing). Over the years, I found that I have the ability to affect people. It has taken me years to realize this unfortunately. For years, I thought I was powerless, a victim at times. Other people did things to me. Other people manipulated me. Other people controlled the situation. This has not always been the case though. Of course, I cannot control the careless hurtful words of others. Nor can I demand they treat me with respect and love. But, I can control myself and my reactions. And through my own reactions, behaviors, words…or even silence, I can affect them. With my actions, I can escalate anger or love. I can inspire confusion or understanding. I can cause tears or laughter.

Overall, I can either accept how I am treated by others, or shut it down and walk away. I have the power to set expectations on how I want to be treated. If I carry myself with pride and confidence, people tend to treat me with more respect, more esteem. If I am down on myself and insecure, people seem to doubt me and walk on my opinions and feelings.

Of course carrying myself nobly is not always easy. Like most folks in the world, I doubt myself. Do I know enough about this topic to speak on it intelligently? Have I gained too much weight? Do these people even want to hear what I have to say? Did I do that task well enough to present? It is hard not to doubt ourselves, and there is a fine line between confidence and cockiness. This line tends to move each day too. Some days I can find it and walk it. Other days, not so much.

What I am discovering though, is that that little girl long ago was not afraid of who she was. She stood tall with her pony at her side. She wrote down her stories. And she moved things in the world to help others. That girl is still me. She may be older and bit less elegant, and her horse is shorter and a bit more frumpy. Nonetheless, she still rides with happiness and joy in her heart. She still writes her thoughts, her feelings, her stories. And, she still tries to move things in the world without force and the goal of making it better. After years of struggle, I thought that little girl was gone. She didn’t disappear. No, she is still there. She just got a little lost.

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For the Daily Post ~ Great Pretender.

Because my pretend life showed me who I wanted to be. 🙂

Also fits the Daily Post ~Ballerina Fireman Astronaut Movie Star.

 

Brink of Madness or Edge of Greatness?


My schedule has been completely off for the last month. It has been crazy busy with my two  jobs and trying to squeeze in blogging and fun. To many, I may look like a super-organized, fun person. Sure, that may be part of the case, but I also know me. When something is bothering me, I am more active. When I want to avoid something, I am extremely productive.

There is nothing major wrong in my life. Frankly, I am quite happy most days. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends. I am blessed with two jobs. (No, neither one of them is my dream job per say, but they will do for now.) I am working out more and eating healthier, so I feel fit and energized. I fill my time with things that I am passionate about: reading, writing, horseback riding, photography, and being outside. I actually feel like my life is just beginning in many ways. I spent years of my life in an unhappy marriage and in the middle of that, a few years being deployed. I learned to embrace solitude. I learned to depend on myself. I learned how to cope with stress.

So now, here I am in the midst of the most beautiful time of my life and something is off. I can feel it, but I don’t know what it is…

Fast forward now. It was nearly two months ago when I wrote the above paragraphs in a draft post. Things have gotten even more hectic and busy. But I am still here and still busy. I am still stressed. but smiling. Now that some time has passed, I wonder, have things been off? Or, is it just that things are new? Different? Headed in a direction where they should be going? Change is hard.

I read somewhere once (and I can’t recall where-sorry, as I do like to attribute) that writers tinker with madness. Though I have written for the military for years, I am still hesitant to call myself a writer. I have published articles for my job, but I feel like I haven’t written anything worthy of the title writer. In some ways, that is why I started this blog. I had so many thoughts, phrases and stories in my head. I would lay there thinking of these, but they never went anywhere. I was afraid to write. Feared rejection. Scared to try. So I did nothing.

Now, I don’t care as much. I am not nearly as afraid. Perhaps its the wisdom of age. I mean, what can rejection do to me at this point in my life? How can it hurt me? Perhaps its the realization of age. I have wasted enough time in my life putting off who and what I am. I muted my personality and desires to make others happy. I can’t do that anymore, nor do I want to. Perhaps its the fact that I have been deployed a few times. I have seen poverty and hopelessness. I know how lucky I have it. And that knowledge urges me to seize my opportunities, not complain (as much) and live life with a passion.

No longer can I sit and wait and say, soon I will do it. My soon is now. Who knows how many tomorrows I have? And, if I don’t start taking steps to make my dreams into actual goals, they will always be just that – dreams. So one day at a time, I will try to take steps towards the me I am supposed to be, the life I am meant to live. I will be passionate. I will not be afraid to try. And when I fail at some things (which is inevitable), I will try again another way with a smile on my face. Now, whether I am on the brink of madness or the edge of greatness…I guess we will see in time:)

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For the Daily Post ~ A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma.