For years, I was miserable and did nothing about it. I was in a dying marriage and couldn’t get out. It wasn’t that I was incapable of leaving or living on my own, but for some reason, I thought I was. I had married a high school sweet heart so it was the only adult relationship I knew. I thought that I must deserve to live in this misery. I couldn’t possibly find happiness.
I am not here to bash my ex. No, we both made our mistakes and just married too young. As we grew up, we just grew apart. We wanted different things, very different things. But, it was’t until my first deployment when I realized that I deserved more. I sat listening to friends talk about their lives, their marriages, their problems. And it dawned on me, I was allowing this to happen. I wasn’t fighting for me or what I needed. I would just give in to whatever he wanted and in the process I lost me. Which in turn, made the girl he fell in love with disappear too. So, it became a vicious cycle of us falling out of love and making each other miserable.
So now, years later and single now, I am rediscovering myself again. Funny thing is that I am finding out so much about me. Both good and bad mind you. I would like to tell you that I am a perfect and amazing person but I am not, at least not every day, lol. I have discovered that I am very trusting, almost too trusting and I will give you everything I have until you lose my trust. Then, I am gone, or at a minimum, distant. I find that I want to try all kinds of things that I put off in my “dark years” of misery. I go hiking at new places. I take risks at new love (and have failed horribly so far but I try). I enjoy random new events in my calendar: taking up paddle board yoga, going to painting classes, watching motocross, and starting a blog. Through all of this, I am not afraid anymore. I don’t care if I go somewhere by myself or if I don’t have everyone’s approval. Sure yeah, I would love to have some friends or a man at my side when I do things, but most of my military friends all live far away. And, the man thing? Well, let’s just say that has not worked itself out yet. But you know what? I am OK with it. I like me and I am happy. I am finding out what makes me tick, what makes me sad and what makes me happy.
So when I saw the “too big to fail” prompt I thought, this is my life now. I can’t fail at my journey now. I have already failed and wasted too many years of my life living in some dark shell because I was afraid to fight and live, and I can’t do it now. I can’t fail, not anymore. Because if I were to fail now, I would only be failing myself. I can’t really say what “success” will be exactly though. I would like to think it involves wherever my passion leads me. And for as long as I can remember, my passion lies in the people I love and doing things that fill my soul (writing, photography, reading). So here I go throwing caution to the wind, trying new things. I will work each day to be passionate and present in all that I do. I am going to try my hand at love if it finds me, and if it doesn’t work, that’s ok too because I know that I still have me…and I am finding out that I am a good person who deserves happiness after all.