Lost in Darkness

Sometimes my mind takes me to dark places. I don’t know why exactly, but I sink into it like warm bath water, slowly and deeply. It is not always scary or lonely, but most times, it is. When I am there, I look around and find that I feel terribly lost. Lost to my life, my dreams and my loved ones.

Most times, people don’t realize I am even there though for I cover it with smiles and activities. I stay busy a lot as I know this helps me avoid this dark path that I don’t like to travel. Yet, I can’t avoid it at times no matter how hard I try.

It is like slowly falling into cold darkness and being surrounded by nothing. Nothing but your thoughts. Thoughts that you cannot stop. They bombard your head like bullets. Each piercing some belief or hope. Each reminding you why you should not do something, be happy, or expect more from life. It tells you why you are worthless. It tells you that you are unlovable. It tells you that you are a failure. It tells you that the bad things were all your fault. It tells you that you deserve to be sad. You try to rationalize these bullets, but there are too many to fight. They are flying around you, through you.

This is a great time for dark writing, forlorn poetry and heart-wrenching tears of release. It can be useful to stand on the edge of madness and see what lurks deep inside your soul. The key is to not step over that edge…because if you do, it gets worse.

After that, the barrage of mental bullets stop, which you would think is a good thing. But it only leaves you in emptiness. Utter emptiness devoid of thought. You just sit there. You can’t cry. You can’t talk. You can’t think. You are just there and alone and numb. This is what I see/feel when I hear Great Big World’s (with Christina Aguilera) video Say Something, which nearly brings me to tears every time.

It is such a beautiful song and yet rips my soul out. It reminds me of lost love and being lost in my own darkness. It makes me think of times when I tried so hard to reach out to someone I loved to only be ignored or pushed away. It makes me relive times when I myself am unreachable. It makes me think of my veteran friends who can’t escape some terror in their mind (or my civilian friends who are just fighting depression). It makes me feel like no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you can’t help them, pull them out of themselves.

I like to think there is a path out of the darkness though. I find my way out all the time. Unfortunately though, I find my way back just as easily. But I am probably lucky; many don’t leave the darkness and can’t find the path. That’s when it gets dangerous. That’s when people give up on you, like the song says. Sadly, when we are lost in that darkness is when we need people the most. If only we could say something to them, they might be able to understand and pull us out into the light.



All or Nothing?

I have wanted all, and I have wanted nothing. I know both sides of that fence, and for me, wanting nothing is very dangerous.

When I wanted nothing in life, it was because I was unhappy. I didn’t care what I had. There were no dreams about what I could get. I didn’t care what I would do or where I would go. I just simply didn’t care about anything. I hoped for nothing because my heart was empty and broken. I had no spark or reason to wish for anything. There was no desire or dreams. Just black cold numbness filled my heart.

Back then, it was just easier to have no wishes. For if I wished for nothing, I would not be disappointed. It was a way of protecting myself. However, it was also a way of being hallow. I call those my dark years.

Years later, hindsight has painted me a more vivid picture. I mourn for the young woman who lost that time and spark in her eyes. It is a terrible thing to live hopeless. Now, I want it all. Not in a greedy sense of the way, but I want to see and do all that God has given me the ability to. I already wasted precious years of my life in sadness, so I feel I must make up for that.

I need to appreciate all that I have, both good and bad. I need to take moment and think that maybe that speeding ticket just saved me from the just-happened car accident I passed. I need to see the beauty in everyday life and share it. I need to feel the breeze on my skin and the sun on my face and cherish it. I need to call my friends more often and thank them for putting up with me. I need to stop putting off what I WANT to do and make it something I NEED to do. I need to take care of my body and live healthy so that I can be a fun grandma one day. I need to try new things that I never made time for before. (I am not getting any younger so what am I waiting for?) I need to take the pain from my past, move on and turn it into lessons that can help shape the future. I need to plan for my tomorrows and never quit trying to be a better person.

Basically, I need to WANT it all in life and have passion for every moment I am blessed with. As long as my wants come with a genuine appreciation for my haves, I have balance. Balance comes with both light and darkness though of course. I just know that I cannot return to the darkness to stay. Sure, I will visit it from time to time. We all have down days and moods, but I can’t remain too long. It is not safe for me there. Wanting it all brings me hope…and hope brings me life.


For the Daily Prompt ~ All or Nothing.