Sorry for your loss but I need…

Let’s just keep it real here and go on a purge of thoughts.

The last few months have sucked.

My father, who has been living with me for the past several years, passed away in mid September. Prior to his death, we had several trips in and out of the hospital, which eventually ended up with him needing at-home care.

My little sister and I tried to balance the tasks in between the hospice visits, and working. It was aggressive but we were managing, even getting into a routine.

Then, when I was away on a work trip, he passed away. I should have known it was close. And in my gut, I beat myself up for leaving. He was doing so well the week before I left. In fact, it looked like he was getting better. He was up and moving around. He scooted his office chair here and there and it was like keeping up with a toddler at times. He even hooked up a long oxygen tube so she could sit on the back porch and enjoy a beer with Doug and I.

Three days before I left though, he was struggling again. And I thought, maybe I should not go? But, though work had been demanding, they had let me work from home to care for dad. So, I figured I needed to go on the mission to prove I was still a team player.

So I did, and he died while I was gone. My poor little sister had to do all the immediate stuff: call hospice, watch him be taken out of the house and … I know that sucked even more than being gone.

So now we are here in the aftermath, figuring out what to do. Dad was not good with money and was a bit of a hoarder. I am not saying he was a bad dad. He was kind and worked hard to provide for us when we were young. He was a product of the generation of fathers were where just sort of there. Present but not fully present. I mean, there were no great Lifetime Movie Network moments of dad giving out great advice or showing us great moments of affection. He was just there and loved us in his way. Meanwhile, he was still a man with flaws and one of those was money management.

So, here we are now notifying bill collectors and sorting out his things. And while my work was flexible, my sister’s pretty new job was not. Not at all. They actually fired her because she “missed too much time in the training program.”

Like they literally said, sorry for your loss by you missed too much time in the program so we have to terminate your employment. What kind of crap company does that? I mean, no sympathy, no remorse, no kindness, no understanding. Perhaps they are not human there and therefore have no capacity to understand? Or perhaps they are so focused on work that how anyone feels is irrelevant.

In fact, I think much of the world has a limited capacity to think of others. Through this process, I have learned that people really don’t give a F&@*, especially when it is inconvenient to them.

They will talk a good game and say sorry and let me know what you need, but they really don’t want you to call them and ask for help. And I get it, because the things I needed help with were things no one wants to do. Oh, you want to come over here and help me clean dad’s bedsheets and give him food and medication while I go put my old horse down because she is now blind? Do you want to come over here and take my three cats to the vet because I cannot leave dad and they are way overdue for a check up? Or now that he is passed, do you want to call all these companies and inform them that they need to write off his bill because there is no estate? No? No one wants to do THAT stuff, the stuff you really need.

I mean, I cannot be mad at people for not wanting to do those things. Hell, I didn’t and don’t want to do any of those things either. But, sometimes, some of us don’t get choices. The party line is that we all have choices, but it’s just not true at times.

So here we are, figuring out who he owed and trying to inform them. And ultimately, they don’t care either. They just want their money, like bosses just want the work done.

People will say all the right things to take away all the awkwardness from themselves, but again, they really don’t mean it. They say sorry for your loss but then move right into what they need from you. And sometimes, there are folks who don’t even say the BS ‘Sorry for your loss’ line and just move right into, ‘I haven’t seen you in awhile so I wanted to talk to you about….’

And if they ask you how you are doing, they don’t want the real answer. They just want the politically correct answer so they can move onto what they need from you.

And for right now, I really want people to not need anything from me right now. But that’s just not the reality of the world.

So how can I help YOU?

8 thoughts on “Sorry for your loss but I need…

  1. I just sent response to our comment stream on your January post and then saw this in my in-box. I’m sorry about your dad and your sister’s company, and all of it. I know one of these days we’ll be doing the same things for my mom and dad and it will be hard and it will suck too, although I know they’re ready to go whenever God’s ready for them! But I don’t have to do as much as you and your sister did and I don’t have another job (other than working at home in the traditional sense) and we moved here so we could help my parents. Yeah, it’s inconvenient sometimes but I imagine my brother and I were inconvenient more than a few times as we were growing up. I’m sorry for all the crap you and your sister have to deal with now that your dad’s gone and I wish there were someone there to help you. I’m glad you felt you could write about it a bit on the blog so we could at least say all that. ❤

    janet

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  2. I am sorry you have had to go through all the extra crap in addition to caring for and ultimately losing your father. You are right, most people, at least those at work and companies you deal with, really don’t care. I hope you can navigate through the process. I know it’s hard, but it has to be done. You will do it, even though the only benefit to you is knowing that it’s done. As for the company who fired your sister…wtf?

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    • I will get through. I really don’t have a choice in the matter. I just hope I do it before I get so bitter that no one wants to talk to me anymore. Yeah, that company was just a hot mess of disorganization and insensitivity.

      Is it weird that I am enjoying being passive aggressive with bill collectors? I answered my dad’s cell phone and when the lady paused for one second after I said he passed, and moved right into, are you the one handling the estate…I replied with, well if you consider an estate to be $108, three unopened raised toilet seats, four walkers and batch of extension cords and wrenches…yep, that’s me. Would you like the the toilet seats or the walkers since I think the bank took the $108?

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am truly sorry for your loss. My dad and father in law had COPD and the last years of their lives were heartbreaking. We all know what’s coming in the end but it never is easy, I hope each day forward gets a little easier for you and your sister.

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    • Thank you. I think the fact that I cannot just sit and stop and process is my big issue. It’s just a never-ending, everything-is-urgent (but is really not) for my job and then clearly everything was so urgent for my sister’s job that they could not handle her needing some time. Maybe I am just getting old and crabby.

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