My schedule has been completely off for the last month. It has been crazy busy with my two jobs and trying to squeeze in blogging and fun. To many, I may look like a super-organized, fun person. Sure, that may be part of the case, but I also know me. When something is bothering me, I am more active. When I want to avoid something, I am extremely productive.
There is nothing major wrong in my life. Frankly, I am quite happy most days. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends. I am blessed with two jobs. (No, neither one of them is my dream job per say, but they will do for now.) I am working out more and eating healthier, so I feel fit and energized. I fill my time with things that I am passionate about: reading, writing, horseback riding, photography, and being outside. I actually feel like my life is just beginning in many ways. I spent years of my life in an unhappy marriage and in the middle of that, a few years being deployed. I learned to embrace solitude. I learned to depend on myself. I learned how to cope with stress.
So now, here I am in the midst of the most beautiful time of my life and something is off. I can feel it, but I don’t know what it is…
Fast forward now. It was nearly two months ago when I wrote the above paragraphs in a draft post. Things have gotten even more hectic and busy. But I am still here and still busy. I am still stressed. but smiling. Now that some time has passed, I wonder, have things been off? Or, is it just that things are new? Different? Headed in a direction where they should be going? Change is hard.
I read somewhere once (and I can’t recall where-sorry, as I do like to attribute) that writers tinker with madness. Though I have written for the military for years, I am still hesitant to call myself a writer. I have published articles for my job, but I feel like I haven’t written anything worthy of the title writer. In some ways, that is why I started this blog. I had so many thoughts, phrases and stories in my head. I would lay there thinking of these, but they never went anywhere. I was afraid to write. Feared rejection. Scared to try. So I did nothing.
Now, I don’t care as much. I am not nearly as afraid. Perhaps its the wisdom of age. I mean, what can rejection do to me at this point in my life? How can it hurt me? Perhaps its the realization of age. I have wasted enough time in my life putting off who and what I am. I muted my personality and desires to make others happy. I can’t do that anymore, nor do I want to. Perhaps its the fact that I have been deployed a few times. I have seen poverty and hopelessness. I know how lucky I have it. And that knowledge urges me to seize my opportunities, not complain (as much) and live life with a passion.
No longer can I sit and wait and say, soon I will do it. My soon is now. Who knows how many tomorrows I have? And, if I don’t start taking steps to make my dreams into actual goals, they will always be just that – dreams. So one day at a time, I will try to take steps towards the me I am supposed to be, the life I am meant to live. I will be passionate. I will not be afraid to try. And when I fail at some things (which is inevitable), I will try again another way with a smile on my face. Now, whether I am on the brink of madness or the edge of greatness…I guess we will see in time:)