Chill Time

Tonight’s downtime was a book and sushi. Dessert was a cookie and hot tea. It was a perfect end to a long day. 

Enjoy your night you lovely followers:) I know I am enjoying mine. 

Lost in Darkness

Sometimes my mind takes me to dark places. I don’t know why exactly, but I sink into it like warm bath water, slowly and deeply. It is not always scary or lonely, but most times, it is. When I am there, I look around and find that I feel terribly lost. Lost to my life, my dreams and my loved ones.

Most times, people don’t realize I am even there though for I cover it with smiles and activities. I stay busy a lot as I know this helps me avoid this dark path that I don’t like to travel. Yet, I can’t avoid it at times no matter how hard I try.

It is like slowly falling into cold darkness and being surrounded by nothing. Nothing but your thoughts. Thoughts that you cannot stop. They bombard your head like bullets. Each piercing some belief or hope. Each reminding you why you should not do something, be happy, or expect more from life. It tells you why you are worthless. It tells you that you are unlovable. It tells you that you are a failure. It tells you that the bad things were all your fault. It tells you that you deserve to be sad. You try to rationalize these bullets, but there are too many to fight. They are flying around you, through you.

This is a great time for dark writing, forlorn poetry and heart-wrenching tears of release. It can be useful to stand on the edge of madness and see what lurks deep inside your soul. The key is to not step over that edge…because if you do, it gets worse.

After that, the barrage of mental bullets stop, which you would think is a good thing. But it only leaves you in emptiness. Utter emptiness devoid of thought. You just sit there. You can’t cry. You can’t talk. You can’t think. You are just there and alone and numb. This is what I see/feel when I hear Great Big World’s (with Christina Aguilera) video Say Something, which nearly brings me to tears every time.

It is such a beautiful song and yet rips my soul out. It reminds me of lost love and being lost in my own darkness. It makes me think of times when I tried so hard to reach out to someone I loved to only be ignored or pushed away. It makes me relive times when I myself am unreachable. It makes me think of my veteran friends who can’t escape some terror in their mind (or my civilian friends who are just fighting depression). It makes me feel like no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you can’t help them, pull them out of themselves.

I like to think there is a path out of the darkness though. I find my way out all the time. Unfortunately though, I find my way back just as easily. But I am probably lucky; many don’t leave the darkness and can’t find the path. That’s when it gets dangerous. That’s when people give up on you, like the song says. Sadly, when we are lost in that darkness is when we need people the most. If only we could say something to them, they might be able to understand and pull us out into the light.



Can’t Quit Now, I’m on a Roll

For years, I was miserable and did nothing about it. I was in a dying marriage and couldn’t get out. It wasn’t that I was incapable of leaving or living on my own, but for some reason, I thought I was. I had married a high school sweet heart so it was the only adult relationship I knew. I thought that I must deserve to live in this misery. I couldn’t possibly find happiness.

I am not here to bash my ex. No, we both made our mistakes and just married too young. As we grew up, we just grew apart. We wanted different things, very different things. But, it was’t until my first deployment when I realized that I deserved more. I sat listening to friends talk about their lives, their marriages, their problems. And it dawned on me, I was allowing this to happen. I wasn’t fighting for me or what I needed. I would just give in to whatever he wanted and in the process I lost me. Which in turn, made the girl he fell in love with disappear too. So, it became a vicious cycle of us falling out of love and making each other miserable.

So now, years later and single now, I am rediscovering myself again. Funny thing is that I am finding out so much about me. Both good and bad mind you. I would like to tell you that I am a perfect and amazing person but I am not, at least not every day, lol. I have discovered that I am very trusting, almost too trusting and I will give you everything I have until you lose my trust. Then, I am gone, or at a minimum, distant. I find that I want to try all kinds of things that I put off in my “dark years” of misery. I go hiking at new places. I take risks at new love (and have failed horribly so far but I try). I enjoy random new events in my calendar: taking up paddle board yoga, going to painting classes, watching motocross, and starting a blog. Through all of this, I am not afraid anymore. I don’t care if I go somewhere by myself or if I don’t have everyone’s approval. Sure yeah, I would love to have some friends or a man at my side when I do things, but most of my military friends all live far away. And, the man thing? Well, let’s just say that has not worked itself out yet. But you know what? I am OK with it. I like me and I am happy. I am finding out what makes me tick, what makes me sad and what makes me happy.

So when I saw the “too big to fail” prompt I thought, this is my life now. I can’t fail at my journey now. I have already failed and wasted too many years of my life living in some dark shell because I was afraid to fight and live, and I can’t do it now. I can’t fail, not anymore. Because if I were to fail now, I would only be failing myself. I can’t really say what “success” will be exactly though. I would like to think it involves wherever my passion leads me. And for as long as I can remember, my passion lies in the people I love and doing things that fill my soul (writing, photography, reading). So here I go throwing caution to the wind, trying new things. I will work each day to be passionate and present in all that I do. I am going to try my hand at love if it finds me, and if it doesn’t work, that’s ok too because I know that I still have me…and I am finding out that I am a good person who deserves happiness after all.