Lost in Darkness

Sometimes my mind takes me to dark places. I don’t know why exactly, but I sink into it like warm bath water, slowly and deeply. It is not always scary or lonely, but most times, it is. When I am there, I look around and find that I feel terribly lost. Lost to my life, my dreams and my loved ones.

Most times, people don’t realize I am even there though for I cover it with smiles and activities. I stay busy a lot as I know this helps me avoid this dark path that I don’t like to travel. Yet, I can’t avoid it at times no matter how hard I try.

It is like slowly falling into cold darkness and being surrounded by nothing. Nothing but your thoughts. Thoughts that you cannot stop. They bombard your head like bullets. Each piercing some belief or hope. Each reminding you why you should not do something, be happy, or expect more from life. It tells you why you are worthless. It tells you that you are unlovable. It tells you that you are a failure. It tells you that the bad things were all your fault. It tells you that you deserve to be sad. You try to rationalize these bullets, but there are too many to fight. They are flying around you, through you.

This is a great time for dark writing, forlorn poetry and heart-wrenching tears of release. It can be useful to stand on the edge of madness and see what lurks deep inside your soul. The key is to not step over that edge…because if you do, it gets worse.

After that, the barrage of mental bullets stop, which you would think is a good thing. But it only leaves you in emptiness. Utter emptiness devoid of thought. You just sit there. You can’t cry. You can’t talk. You can’t think. You are just there and alone and numb. This is what I see/feel when I hear Great Big World’s (with Christina Aguilera) video Say Something, which nearly brings me to tears every time.

It is such a beautiful song and yet rips my soul out. It reminds me of lost love and being lost in my own darkness. It makes me think of times when I tried so hard to reach out to someone I loved to only be ignored or pushed away. It makes me relive times when I myself am unreachable. It makes me think of my veteran friends who can’t escape some terror in their mind (or my civilian friends who are just fighting depression). It makes me feel like no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you can’t help them, pull them out of themselves.

I like to think there is a path out of the darkness though. I find my way out all the time. Unfortunately though, I find my way back just as easily. But I am probably lucky; many don’t leave the darkness and can’t find the path. That’s when it gets dangerous. That’s when people give up on you, like the song says. Sadly, when we are lost in that darkness is when we need people the most. If only we could say something to them, they might be able to understand and pull us out into the light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

dp

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7 thoughts on “Lost in Darkness

    • I took Zoloft when I was at a particularly low point in life (and my marriage). So I can totally understand what you are saying as back then, I was at a breaking point: divorcing, preparing for a deployment, laid off from a civilian job I loved. I think the medication kept me from a complete breakdown. I just stopped taking it after I redeployed a few years ago though. (It was a low dose. And I know that is not the recommended process.) I hated how it numbed my happiness. Everything was just so very blah. Good and bad both, it was all just blah. I think I am good now and it doesn’t take to long to find my way out. I am fortunate in that aspect. I will check out your blog and I wish you well. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Michelle)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    Writing can certainly help, but I pray you have or find some friends who can also be there for you when these times come. I don’t know where you are as far as God is concerned, but I know He loves and cares for you as well, so you can always reach out to Him.

    I don’t have first-hand experience with the problems of veterans, but I’ve read about them and realize in a very small way how very difficult their lives can be. Makes me sad that we don’t do more to help

    janet

    Liked by 2 people

    • Writing is certainly a helpful therapy. And, like I said, sometimes the dark times bring out some dark, but good poems/writing! (Well, what I at least feel are good in my opinion.) Thank you for your kind words. And yes, God is certainly there for me. He has blessed me many times over and helps me not sink too far that I am completely lost. I don’t know if some of my dark times are related to serving or if its just small bouts of depression from civilian life. I suppose it is hard to separate our lives and feelings into all the pieces that comprise it. And for the most part, I am extremely lucky. I am normally a super happy person. That seems to be the thing with passionate people I am finding though. I am so passionate and full of life at times, but that passion works just as hard on the dark side too.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think that those who have up times that are high sometimes also have corresponding down times. Perhaps the down times seem worse because they can be compared to the up times. I’m not talking about manic-depressive, but just ordinary people dealing with life and feelings.

        Liked by 2 people

        • I totally agree. I can’t be full of passion on just one side of life. It’s a all-in kind mentality. With all that said, I wouldn’t change it because my good times outweigh the bad and they are exceptional memories:)

          Liked by 2 people

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