All or Nothing?

I have wanted all, and I have wanted nothing. I know both sides of that fence, and for me, wanting nothing is very dangerous.

When I wanted nothing in life, it was because I was unhappy. I didn’t care what I had. There were no dreams about what I could get. I didn’t care what I would do or where I would go. I just simply didn’t care about anything. I hoped for nothing because my heart was empty and broken. I had no spark or reason to wish for anything. There was no desire or dreams. Just black cold numbness filled my heart.

Back then, it was just easier to have no wishes. For if I wished for nothing, I would not be disappointed. It was a way of protecting myself. However, it was also a way of being hallow. I call those my dark years.

Years later, hindsight has painted me a more vivid picture. I mourn for the young woman who lost that time and spark in her eyes. It is a terrible thing to live hopeless. Now, I want it all. Not in a greedy sense of the way, but I want to see and do all that God has given me the ability to. I already wasted precious years of my life in sadness, so I feel I must make up for that.

I need to appreciate all that I have, both good and bad. I need to take moment and think that maybe that speeding ticket just saved me from the just-happened car accident I passed. I need to see the beauty in everyday life and share it. I need to feel the breeze on my skin and the sun on my face and cherish it. I need to call my friends more often and thank them for putting up with me. I need to stop putting off what I WANT to do and make it something I NEED to do. I need to take care of my body and live healthy so that I can be a fun grandma one day. I need to try new things that I never made time for before. (I am not getting any younger so what am I waiting for?) I need to take the pain from my past, move on and turn it into lessons that can help shape the future. I need to plan for my tomorrows and never quit trying to be a better person.

Basically, I need to WANT it all in life and have passion for every moment I am blessed with. As long as my wants come with a genuine appreciation for my haves, I have balance. Balance comes with both light and darkness though of course. I just know that I cannot return to the darkness to stay. Sure, I will visit it from time to time. We all have down days and moods, but I can’t remain too long. It is not safe for me there. Wanting it all brings me hope…and hope brings me life.

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For the Daily Prompt ~ All or Nothing.

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